“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.”
― Og Mandino Light and darkness. I love them both. I love my early morning time to myself in the dark. I love dark and gloomy days when I have the luxury of wrapping myself in a blanket and reading a good book. And yet, I also love the feel of sunshine on my face. The beach. The sun can change my mood, just like that. Driving down the road on the first spring-like day, windows down, music turned up, troubles melt away somehow, don't they? The photo above is of a necklace that my husband gave me for Christmas, 2016. I had gone through my mastectomy a month before and had just started chemo. He said that the necklace symbolizes my world and that the diamonds represent all of the people who love me. It's amazing, this journey that we are on. I am realizing just how loved I am. The darkness has shown me the stars. I receive cards and messages from family, friends, acquaintances, high school friends that I haven’t seen in over 30 years and even from people that I've never met. They tell me that they are thinking of me and praying for me. They send me gifts. They share their own stories with me. They sing to me. They make me blankets and prayer beads. They hug me. They tell me that they love me. Growing up, my family was never big on hugging. It’s just the way it was. But since my dad died three years ago, we have become huggers, and we say 'I love you' more often. It's nice, this change. We all know that we love each other, but a hug just says it better. It's not always comfortable to hug when it's not something that you're used to, but like anything else, it gets easier with practice. Again, the darkness has shown us the stars. I'm a homebody. I love being at home. Alone. I can be here for days and not leave. I was really sick with bronchitis at the end of January and needed to stay at home. Afterwards, it was harder to force myself out of the house, even for things that I wanted to do. I get refueled and rejuvenated when I spend time alone, but I know that too much hanging out at home is not good for me and the more I do it, the harder it gets to get out in society. Especially now. To the outside world, I look healthy. I still have my hair (a nice surprise from this chemo); I haven't lost weight; my skin color is good, other than some darkness below my eyes. To look at me, you would never know that I am dealing with cancer. But I am. And to be out in public and to see and hear people talking about everyday things can sometimes upset me. My perspective has shifted. How could it not, I guess? I sometimes get overcome with sadness when I experience people just going on with their 'normal' lives. I know, I know, no one has a 'normal' life and you never know what kind of troubles people are dealing with behind closed doors, but you know what it mean. To be clear, sometimes the sadness I mentioned is because I wish I wasn't dealing with what I am, but more often than not, it's a sadness for the people I come in contact with. I feel sad because I hear and see them putting importance and meaning on things that I now think are unimportant and meaningless. And I think, 'I wish they would get it. They are making their lives harder than they need to be.' I guess the challenge to you and to me is to think about what really matters and to spread light and love now, today. Don’t wait. Hug. Kiss. Send a card. Make a call. Say 'I love you'. Say 'Thank you'. Say 'I'm proud of you.' Say 'I forgive you' or 'Forgive me.' Whatever it is you need to start saying and doing, do it now. I need to hear this advice more than anyone. I know I should do these things, but it's not always easy. I like my comfort zone. I like it a lot. But I think that if we allow ourselves to get out of our comfort zones, especially when we do it in order to bless someone else, we will find that it gets easier too. I know a lot of you are doing that when you reach out to me. I know it's hard to know what to say. Know that what you say doesn't really matter. It's the reaching out that matters. I just found this quote that speaks to me. "You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." -A.A. Milne See you in the forest. xoxo
2 Comments
Nancy Coblentz
3/28/2018 07:30:42 pm
I love your honesty. Thank you.
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Amanda
3/29/2018 07:36:52 pm
Juanita you say it so well. Yes people. Need to get it. 3-28-2018 yes it would have been my 48. Th anniversary. There is darkness an light . God. Is. Still. In. Control. Love an prayers. My dear
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