“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.”
― Og Mandino Light and darkness. I love them both. I love my early morning time to myself in the dark. I love dark and gloomy days when I have the luxury of wrapping myself in a blanket and reading a good book. And yet, I also love the feel of sunshine on my face. The beach. The sun can change my mood, just like that. Driving down the road on the first spring-like day, windows down, music turned up, troubles melt away somehow, don't they? The photo above is of a necklace that my husband gave me for Christmas, 2016. I had gone through my mastectomy a month before and had just started chemo. He said that the necklace symbolizes my world and that the diamonds represent all of the people who love me. It's amazing, this journey that we are on. I am realizing just how loved I am. The darkness has shown me the stars. I receive cards and messages from family, friends, acquaintances, high school friends that I haven’t seen in over 30 years and even from people that I've never met. They tell me that they are thinking of me and praying for me. They send me gifts. They share their own stories with me. They sing to me. They make me blankets and prayer beads. They hug me. They tell me that they love me. Growing up, my family was never big on hugging. It’s just the way it was. But since my dad died three years ago, we have become huggers, and we say 'I love you' more often. It's nice, this change. We all know that we love each other, but a hug just says it better. It's not always comfortable to hug when it's not something that you're used to, but like anything else, it gets easier with practice. Again, the darkness has shown us the stars. I'm a homebody. I love being at home. Alone. I can be here for days and not leave. I was really sick with bronchitis at the end of January and needed to stay at home. Afterwards, it was harder to force myself out of the house, even for things that I wanted to do. I get refueled and rejuvenated when I spend time alone, but I know that too much hanging out at home is not good for me and the more I do it, the harder it gets to get out in society. Especially now. To the outside world, I look healthy. I still have my hair (a nice surprise from this chemo); I haven't lost weight; my skin color is good, other than some darkness below my eyes. To look at me, you would never know that I am dealing with cancer. But I am. And to be out in public and to see and hear people talking about everyday things can sometimes upset me. My perspective has shifted. How could it not, I guess? I sometimes get overcome with sadness when I experience people just going on with their 'normal' lives. I know, I know, no one has a 'normal' life and you never know what kind of troubles people are dealing with behind closed doors, but you know what it mean. To be clear, sometimes the sadness I mentioned is because I wish I wasn't dealing with what I am, but more often than not, it's a sadness for the people I come in contact with. I feel sad because I hear and see them putting importance and meaning on things that I now think are unimportant and meaningless. And I think, 'I wish they would get it. They are making their lives harder than they need to be.' I guess the challenge to you and to me is to think about what really matters and to spread light and love now, today. Don’t wait. Hug. Kiss. Send a card. Make a call. Say 'I love you'. Say 'Thank you'. Say 'I'm proud of you.' Say 'I forgive you' or 'Forgive me.' Whatever it is you need to start saying and doing, do it now. I need to hear this advice more than anyone. I know I should do these things, but it's not always easy. I like my comfort zone. I like it a lot. But I think that if we allow ourselves to get out of our comfort zones, especially when we do it in order to bless someone else, we will find that it gets easier too. I know a lot of you are doing that when you reach out to me. I know it's hard to know what to say. Know that what you say doesn't really matter. It's the reaching out that matters. I just found this quote that speaks to me. "You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." -A.A. Milne See you in the forest. xoxo
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It's been awhile since I've provided an update. We received good news at the end of February. The brain tumor is continuing to shrink and there were no new lesions. We will continue to monitor with MRIs every three months.
Despite that good news, the past five weeks haven't been easy. Joe and I went on vacation in the Florida keys to celebrate my birthday and while we were there, I fractured my left arm. I wasn't doing anything strenuous at all, just reaching. As I did, I heard a splintering sound and felt my humerus bone crack. Immediate pain and nausea followed. That was on Tuesday morning. Other than going to the ER that morning, I didn't leave the vacation house again until we headed home on Friday because I was in so much pain. I won't go into details about the doctor's appointments I've had to try to determine what's actually wrong, but the bottom line is that I went four weeks before it was determined that it is, indeed, broken (as I said all along). The good news is that it isn't out of alignment, so no surgery is needed. It should heal on its own. So, for now, I keep my left arm close to my body and use my right arm pretty much exclusively. I can use my left arm more that I could the first few weeks, but it's still very painful to move it. Even as I'm typing this, I'm mainly just using my right hand because if I have to move my left one to reach a key, it hurts too much. Since I now have this fracture and I also have a lot of pain in this arm from the cancer, we are halting chemo for a few weeks so that I can have radiation treatments on my arm. The goal is to kill the cancer cells in that area, allowing healthy cells to grow. This should help with the pain and should also make the bone stronger and less likely to fracture again. I have the first treatment tomorrow. This latest chemo drug that I have been getting is a butt-kicker. I had treatments on 2/20 and 2/27 and then the following week was an off-week. I was expecting to feel pretty good that week, but I was whooped. I had no energy and it got worse as the week went on. Just taking a shower would wear me out, so if I needed to be somewhere at a certain time, I had to allow myself enough time to take rest breaks as I got ready. My household chores were still pretty much getting done, but a little at a time. Something that would normally take me a few hours took longer and those hours were spread out over several days, rather than one day. And some things I just couldn't do without help. It's very humbling. By the time Thursday and Friday came around that week, I barely got out of bed at all. One of my fears has been that I will suffer as this disease progresses. I saw my dad suffer and I don't want to go through that. And I don't want my family to watch me go through it. We have been suffering, not in an unbearable way, but suffering nonetheless. It is extremely hard to face pain and fatigue day after day and not know if it will ever get better. Right now the fatigue is much better because it's been 3 weeks since my last chemo treatment. I still have fatigue, but not like I did. I think maybe it's a good thing to take a little break from the chemo, because I was about ready to either quit altogether or at least move on to another chemo drug. Right now the plan is to resume chemo on 4/10. Cancer is hard. It's disgusting, ugly, mean and nasty and I hate it with every part of my being. I despise it. I truly try to maintain a good attitude, but I would be lying if I didn't share the struggles as well. It's easy to stay positive when I'm feeling fairly good. When the pain, fatigue and sleeplessness all converge at once, it's not so easy. But I try to take it one day at a time and I look for (and find) things to be grateful for every day. In spite of it all, life is good and I am blessed. I need to keep that in mind, even on the bad days. So, that is where we are right now. Thank you for your continued prayers. |
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Archives |