Hi everyone, I posted on Facebook this past week that we have decided to forego any further treatment and are signing up with hospice. I'm not sure how many more blogs I'll be posting, but I did want to write at least one more. I've asked you to pray for specific requests and want to provide an update here.
Pray that my side effects will be tolerable. Side effects from radiation have been very tolerable. My hair did fall out, but I was expecting that to happen and it really doesn't bother me. I look good in hats :) Pray that these ugly spots I'm seeing on my scalp will remain in inconspicuous areas. I do not want them to spread to my face or another visible area. I do have quite a few spots on my scalp, but nowhere else very conspicuous. Pray for patience and peace for me and my family and for clear minds to make decisions as they come up. I am very at peace with the decision to end treatment and enter hospice care and so is my family. Pray that I can maintain a good attitude. It's getting harder and harder. Being off of chemo has helped in this regard. I feel better without those nasty drugs coursing through my body. They weren't doing anything except making me sick, so good riddance! The past year and a half has not been easy, but it has been good. I still can't say that I'm thankful to have gone through this experience, but I have learned a few things, and for that I am thankful. I've learned, again, that life is not fair, but that life can be good, even in unfair circumstances. You just have to try harder to find the good. I've learned just how loved I am, by my family and by numerous others who have reached out to us. I've learned just how wonderful my family and friends are. I've learned that you really shouldn't sweat the small stuff. What's the definition of 'small stuff'? I suppose it's different for everybody and it's a process to figure it out. But it's a worthwhile process. On Friday we met with several folks from LifeCare Hospice, headquartered in Wooster. They were awesome. We feel like it is definitely the right decision to move into hospice care at this time. Right now I'm feeling and doing well. A nurse and a social worker will come to the house once a week at the beginning and then more often as I need them. We are taking it one day at a time and trying to make the most of the fact that I am feeling well. Last weekend we actually went to Country Fest in Canal Fulton. I had never gone before and when the opportunity arose, we went for it. I didn't make it through the whole night, and we left early, but I enjoyed the time there with Joe, Katrina and Mike, along with some new friends who hosted us. We are also planning a family vacation in a few weeks. The last time we went on vacation (February) I ended up fracturing my arm, which put a huge damper on the time away from home. If I could, I'd like to ask for prayer that this time that we spend on Folly Beach will be a blessed time for the four of us. We love Folly Beach and want to create even more good memories there. We are all really looking forward to it. I know that hearing that I am entering hospice care is scary for a lot of people and maybe you don't fully understand it. Basically, at this point in time, we know that there is no treatment that will cure me. And I feel better when I am not receiving active treatment. So, hospice steps in and helps us to manage things. They are here to make sure I'm comfortable and can have as high a quality of life as possible here at the end. My dad had hospice care at the end of his life and that was a good experience for him. It allowed him to be at home and have that comfort rather than being in a clinical setting. That is what I want as well. I am a homebody and I want to spend the rest of my days right here. Thank you all for your love and support throughout the past year and a half. It's been a crazy ride, but I've learned a lot about life along the way. I hope that in some small way, I may have touched your life by my sharing. I will likely continue to share every now and then, most likely Facebook posts rather than blogs, but we will see. Maybe I'll have more to say than I think I will. xoxo
11 Comments
It's been awhile since I've written. It's been a rough go here lately. I haven't been feeling great; just exhausted most of the time. I'm bored and yet too tired to do much of anything. In my last post, I said I was going to try working again. That didn't work out very well. As it turned out, I just didn't have the energy for it. Plus, it added a level of stress that I don't need.
Since I last wrote, I started a different chemo because the one I was on wasn't doing the trick. My arm is healing and is feeling much better. I have developed issues in both eyes related to the cancer. I can't see well out of my left one, but it seems a bit better now than it was. I also have pain in my right upper back that shoots down my arm and hand. I had a brain MRI last week which showed that my original tumor is growing again and that I now have '10 or so' new, small tumors in the brain. So, I start whole brain radiation this week. It's scary. Side effects include hair loss, burns, itching and short-term memory loss. But the unknown affects of not doing the radiation are scarier. The radiation will also address my back and arm pain. Prayer requests: Pray that my side effects will be tolerable. Pray that these ugly spots I'm seeing on my scalp will remain in inconspicuous areas. I do not want them to spread to my face or another visible area. Pray for patience and peace for me and my family and for clear minds to make decisions as they come up. Pray that I can maintain a good attitude. It's getting harder and harder. Thank you. In my last update I mentioned that I was about to start radiation on my left arm. I've since completed those 10 treatments. And just this week I started back on chemo. I've also had surgery on my arm since my last update. On the last day of radiation I had an x-ray taken of the arm, which showed that the bone was displaced. The prior MRI had showed that it was in alignment, so we had planned to just let it heal on its own. At some point that changed and the bone came out of alignment, but I don’t know when or how. So, a week ago today I had a plate put in my arm, which was screwed to my bone (or vice versa). The point is to heal and strengthen that weak and damaged bone. Recovery is going well. I've had a lot of swelling, but it's getting better now and my arm is already feeling better than it was before surgery.
So that's the bone update. To my knowledge, I don't have any other affected bones. I have a brain MRI every 3 months, the next one being May 30th. So no update there (the last one I had showed tumor shrinkage). I just had scans done on Monday, the usual: chest, abdomen and pelvis. The goal was to get a new baseline to compare to since it's been awhile since I've had chemo. The results were not good. The cancer is continuing to spread throughout my lungs and liver. It is also now in my chest wall and in my kidneys. I also have sores on my scalp, which is cancer that has spread to my skin. This cancer of mine is very strong-willed and stubborn. But so am I. I will continue to fight until my quality of life is compromised too much. I think I will know it when that time comes. Some may question the decision to put a hold on chemo while we dealt with my arm, but the reason we did what we did was in order to improve my quality of life. I was miserable and in pain and without the use of one of my arms. We will never know if the cancer progressed more during that time than if I would have continued on chemo uninterrupted. I have no regrets. The prayer beads in the photo above were given to me by several of my cousins and aunts. They each put a certain amount of beads on the chain and said a prayer (or raised a glass in a toast) and then passed the beads on to the next person. I keep them beside my 'morning' chair where I read and pray and meditate every day. Today, I'd like to mention a few specific prayer requests that I have: Pray that the chemo works and stops the progression of the disease. And if not, that we will know soon, so that we can look to the next option. Pray that my side effects will be tolerable. Pray that my arm heals correctly. Apparently my bone was pretty shattered and tattered. Pray that these ugly spots I'm seeing on my scalp will remain in inconspicuous areas. I do not want them to spread to my face or another visible area. Pray for patience and peace for me and my family and for clear minds to make decisions as they come up. I'm going to try going back to work 8-16 hrs/week (mainly working from home). Please pray that I will know if it's too much for me. Thank you and bless you. xoxo My feeble attempt at poetry. It reminds me a bit of a poem that I wrote in middle school for a boy I had a crush on. It started like this:
I love you _____, And I know I always will. No matter how our lives turn out, I know I'll love you still. LOL. Funny how well I remember it (I never shared it with him). DAYS GO BY In the evening light, the quiet comes. It’s coming way too fast. Another day has come and gone. Oh, how I wish they'd last. Some days are fine, or even good, Some not quite so much. The nighttime too runs hot and cold, Uncomfortable to touch. My spirit dips, then rises high. It flows as do the days. It's up, it's down, It's all around and I'm covered in a haze. This blanket haze that covers me, Is heavy and yet soft. It ebbs and flows and round me grows, It raises me aloft. Tomorrow is another day, With grace to be discovered. It is up to me to find the light, And in that brightness hover. The dark will come and it will go, It's part of life as well, I look for the light to follow the dark, But only time will tell. My husband and I went to an outdoor concert in 2012 - Zac Brown Band. We had never really been concert-goers, but that was about to change. The next summer, we bought the Country Megaticket for Blossom Music Center and went to most of the concerts included (I'm guessing 10 concerts were included). We had a blast! We continued purchasing the Megaticket year after year, until last year, when my health was too unpredictable.
We also went on road trips to see some of our favorites: we went to Boston, Philadelphia and Denver to see Eric Church (Kenny Chesney was with him in Boston - oh, how I'd like to relive that one!). We did a quick weekend drive (yes, a weekend drive) to Denver to see Neil Diamond (not really our usual cup 'o tea, but entertaining nonetheless). I love music and I have it on in the house when I clean, or when I do anything else that doesn’t require thought and/or focus. It moves me and soothes me and generally just makes me happy. Last March, my family went to see Casting Crowns in concert. My mom had bought us all tickets. I've never been a huge fan of Christian concerts. I can't really say why. Sometimes the people (as in concert-goers) just rub me the wrong way. I think that I have a responsibility as a Christian to make Christianity look like something people want to be a part of and I see so many Christians doing just the opposite, at least in my eyes. I see them acting like they are in some exclusive club and are too good for others and on the flip side, I also see them acting overly nice, trying to woo others into 'the club', and it comes off as being inauthentic. Anyway, those are just my observations and I know I'm way over-generalizing, but that's what I was feeling that night before the concert. So, a little bit hesitantly, I went. I remember that I had had chemo earlier in the week. I had lost my hair months before and wore turbans to cover my baldness. I couldn't go out and be inconspicuous. If you’ve read my other blogs, you'll know that I'm an introvert who likes to blend in. It didn't take long before I was enjoying myself. The music was great and was interspersed with just the right amount of talking The lead singer is also a youth pastor and he has a very engaging way of speaking. I can see that adolescent kids would be drawn to him (but what do I know, I'm a 50 year old-ha!). I was drawn to what he had to say, but especially to the music. I knew some of their songs; my mom and dad listened to their music a lot when Dad was sick and we played several of their songs at his funeral. I found myself making a mental list of songs that I liked and thought would be appropriate for my own funeral/calling hours. You see, I've had a sort of knowing all along that this cancer of mine has a mind of its own and that healing on this earth may not be in the cards for me. I don't think this means I have a lack of faith or means I've had a negative attitude. In fact I think I've been able to have a positive attitude because I am doing what I can to fight the fight, knowing that God is in control and that His plans for me are better than what I could plan for myself. One of the songs that really spoke to me was Loving My Jesus. I don't know why I have cancer or why it has to be such an aggressive type. But I do. As I've gone through other trials in my life, I've asked myself how I could possibly turn it to good in some way. I've been able to do that in my own life; I'm much closer to God than I used to be. I think I'm a calmer person who can see the big picture easier than I once could. But I still asked myself, 'how I can help others find the peace that I have begun to find'? I thought about blogging for a long time before actually biting the bullet, but was very nervous about that idea and I also thought I didn't have enough to say. This song speaks to what I am trying to do with my blog and in my life. I want to be an example of what Jesus can do. As I've gotten older, I've realized that I have so few answers. There are many religions and a lot of them are very similar to each other. I do not be believe that we all have to think the same way in order to have eternal life. That being said, I believe in God, the Father; Jesus the Son and in the Holy Spirit. I believe that God is a loving god and that he wants what's best for all of us. I believe that I will be spending eternity with Him. That's about all I know. So, here are the lyrics. My prayer is that something I've said or done at some time in my life will plant a seed that will continue to grow and flourish in as many lives as possible. God bless. Oh, and rock on :) Loving My Jesus Casting Crowns I was a wandering soul Traveling a well worn road A sinner so far from home No second chance in sight I heard You call my name I felt You lift my shame And I made a vow that day That I'd spend the rest of my life Loving my Jesus Showing my scars Telling my story of how mercy Can reach You where You are And I pray the whole world hears The cry of my heart Is to see all the ones I love Loving my Jesus Sin tries to make you hide Whispers that same old lie Keep all your pain inside 'Cause no one will understand The last thing this lost world needs Is someone I'm trying to be Truth that has set me free Is that I'm just a broken man Loving my Jesus Showing my scars Telling my story of how mercy Can reach You where You are And I pray the whole world hears The cry of my heart Is to see all the ones I love Loving my Jesus When all is said and done When my last song's been sung I stand face to face with the One Who gave all for me May all I have to show Be all that mattered most Making Your great name known Let this be my only legacy Loving my Jesus Showing my scars Telling my story of how mercy Can reach You where You are And I pray the whole world hears The cry of my heart Is to see all the ones I love Oh, all the ones I love Loving my Jesus Songwriters: JOHN MARK HALL, MATTHEW WEST © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC The passage above is from my Al-Anon book called Courage to Change. I've shared passages and information from Al-Anon on Facebook in the past and have hinted at this, but have never come out and said publicly that my son is a recovering opiate addict. His drug of choice was heroin.
I have mentioned in other blog posts that God has prepared me for this cancer journey that I'm on. Our family's journey with addiction is one of those experiences that has helped me to change and to grow in faith and to hope in a future that seems so uncertain. I've been thinking about sharing some of this information, but since it is so personal, I hesitated. I don't have an agenda for my blog, other than to share my heart and my life experiences in order to (hopefully) help others. So, usually a thought will just come to me and I will go with it. Several times, my thoughts have gone to Brendan and his struggles, but I've pushed them aside. Yesterday he and I spent some time together and I asked him if he would mind if at some time I might write about it. He gave me permission and I will be sharing this with him before I share it publicly. When I think about the biggest lesson I've learned walking beside my son on his journey, the first word to come to mind is 'detachment'. I didn't know what it meant until seven years ago when he bravely came to us and asked for help. The treatment center he went to is big on family involvement and we spent our weekends there with him in counseling and education. The practice of detachment (and it takes heaps of practice) focuses on learning to care for ourselves and allowing the alcoholic/addict to take care of him/herself and to face the consequences of his/her actions. Some of the goals of detachment are to learn not to suffer because of the actions of another person and not to do for others what they can do for themselves. Sounds like principles to apply to life in general, huh? Because the Al-Anon principles can be applied to so many aspects of life and they have helped me immensely, I read and re-read two of their books year after year: Courage to Change and One Day at a Time in Al Anon. I get something different out of the readings depending on what is going on in my life at the time. To sum it up, I've learned that I can do hard things by taking it one day at a time and by leaning on my Higher Power. Practicing mindfulness and gratefulness has helped me through the tough times. It’s interesting that just yesterday I asked Brendan for permission to share something. I didn't know what I would share or when I would share it. But then today, when I read the above passage, I knew it was time. The passage is about mindfulness and gratefulness, even though it doesn't use those words. The past seven years have not been easy for Brendan. He's attended multiple friends' funerals, including his best friend from high school - the friend who everyone thought was doing well, until he overdosed and died. Heartbreaking. There has been a second stay in rehab for Brendan since that first one back in 2011. Addicts are often very sensitive people who reach for something so that they don't have to 'feel the feelings'. This is definitely true of Brendan. In addition to being sensitive, he is also an incredibly strong young man. It takes so much courage to do the things he's had to do in order to turn his life around. It's not over. Addiction is something he will fight for the rest of his life. By the way, what do you do in order to avoid 'feeling the feelings'? Do you eat, sleep, shop, make jokes, use sarcasm, put other people down? We all try to avoid our feelings in one way or another. Some of our choices are just more damaging than others. Right now, I worry about my son a lot. He's in the throes of an unbelievably difficult time. His mama is sick and dying, I don't think he would mind me telling you that he's a mama's boy. We have a special relationship, it's true. But I also have a special relationship with my daughter. When I think of Brendan and Alyssa facing the future without me, it brings me to a fetal position. Life is not fair. My husband and children do not deserve this. Please, please pray for them. Reach out to them. Help them in whatever way you can. My kids are both a bit like me and they may want to 'handle it on their own'. They may seem to reject your outreach, but it still helps to know that people are thinking of you and are there for you when you are ready for them. Everyone handles grief differently and I don't pretend to know what will help them muddle through. One more thing: it's easy to judge addicts. We hear about the epidemic on the news a lot, along with examples of addicts who do horrible things. Before you judge, remember that that person is someone's son or daughter. And that addiction is a disease. It causes good, sensitive, kind-hearted people to do things that they would never normally do. Don't judge them; pray for them and their families. Or get involved in some way - volunteer, donate, etc. It's easy to judge; it's harder to get involved. Ok, maybe just one more thing…I always seem to feel the need for a disclaimer. I am not perfect and I am not an expert on addiction, parenting, or anything else, for that matter. I've made tons of mistakes along the way, and I continue to make mistakes. I'm just sharing from the heart (and it's not easy). Thanks for reading. God bless. “I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.”
― Og Mandino Light and darkness. I love them both. I love my early morning time to myself in the dark. I love dark and gloomy days when I have the luxury of wrapping myself in a blanket and reading a good book. And yet, I also love the feel of sunshine on my face. The beach. The sun can change my mood, just like that. Driving down the road on the first spring-like day, windows down, music turned up, troubles melt away somehow, don't they? The photo above is of a necklace that my husband gave me for Christmas, 2016. I had gone through my mastectomy a month before and had just started chemo. He said that the necklace symbolizes my world and that the diamonds represent all of the people who love me. It's amazing, this journey that we are on. I am realizing just how loved I am. The darkness has shown me the stars. I receive cards and messages from family, friends, acquaintances, high school friends that I haven’t seen in over 30 years and even from people that I've never met. They tell me that they are thinking of me and praying for me. They send me gifts. They share their own stories with me. They sing to me. They make me blankets and prayer beads. They hug me. They tell me that they love me. Growing up, my family was never big on hugging. It’s just the way it was. But since my dad died three years ago, we have become huggers, and we say 'I love you' more often. It's nice, this change. We all know that we love each other, but a hug just says it better. It's not always comfortable to hug when it's not something that you're used to, but like anything else, it gets easier with practice. Again, the darkness has shown us the stars. I'm a homebody. I love being at home. Alone. I can be here for days and not leave. I was really sick with bronchitis at the end of January and needed to stay at home. Afterwards, it was harder to force myself out of the house, even for things that I wanted to do. I get refueled and rejuvenated when I spend time alone, but I know that too much hanging out at home is not good for me and the more I do it, the harder it gets to get out in society. Especially now. To the outside world, I look healthy. I still have my hair (a nice surprise from this chemo); I haven't lost weight; my skin color is good, other than some darkness below my eyes. To look at me, you would never know that I am dealing with cancer. But I am. And to be out in public and to see and hear people talking about everyday things can sometimes upset me. My perspective has shifted. How could it not, I guess? I sometimes get overcome with sadness when I experience people just going on with their 'normal' lives. I know, I know, no one has a 'normal' life and you never know what kind of troubles people are dealing with behind closed doors, but you know what it mean. To be clear, sometimes the sadness I mentioned is because I wish I wasn't dealing with what I am, but more often than not, it's a sadness for the people I come in contact with. I feel sad because I hear and see them putting importance and meaning on things that I now think are unimportant and meaningless. And I think, 'I wish they would get it. They are making their lives harder than they need to be.' I guess the challenge to you and to me is to think about what really matters and to spread light and love now, today. Don’t wait. Hug. Kiss. Send a card. Make a call. Say 'I love you'. Say 'Thank you'. Say 'I'm proud of you.' Say 'I forgive you' or 'Forgive me.' Whatever it is you need to start saying and doing, do it now. I need to hear this advice more than anyone. I know I should do these things, but it's not always easy. I like my comfort zone. I like it a lot. But I think that if we allow ourselves to get out of our comfort zones, especially when we do it in order to bless someone else, we will find that it gets easier too. I know a lot of you are doing that when you reach out to me. I know it's hard to know what to say. Know that what you say doesn't really matter. It's the reaching out that matters. I just found this quote that speaks to me. "You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." -A.A. Milne See you in the forest. xoxo It's been awhile since I've provided an update. We received good news at the end of February. The brain tumor is continuing to shrink and there were no new lesions. We will continue to monitor with MRIs every three months.
Despite that good news, the past five weeks haven't been easy. Joe and I went on vacation in the Florida keys to celebrate my birthday and while we were there, I fractured my left arm. I wasn't doing anything strenuous at all, just reaching. As I did, I heard a splintering sound and felt my humerus bone crack. Immediate pain and nausea followed. That was on Tuesday morning. Other than going to the ER that morning, I didn't leave the vacation house again until we headed home on Friday because I was in so much pain. I won't go into details about the doctor's appointments I've had to try to determine what's actually wrong, but the bottom line is that I went four weeks before it was determined that it is, indeed, broken (as I said all along). The good news is that it isn't out of alignment, so no surgery is needed. It should heal on its own. So, for now, I keep my left arm close to my body and use my right arm pretty much exclusively. I can use my left arm more that I could the first few weeks, but it's still very painful to move it. Even as I'm typing this, I'm mainly just using my right hand because if I have to move my left one to reach a key, it hurts too much. Since I now have this fracture and I also have a lot of pain in this arm from the cancer, we are halting chemo for a few weeks so that I can have radiation treatments on my arm. The goal is to kill the cancer cells in that area, allowing healthy cells to grow. This should help with the pain and should also make the bone stronger and less likely to fracture again. I have the first treatment tomorrow. This latest chemo drug that I have been getting is a butt-kicker. I had treatments on 2/20 and 2/27 and then the following week was an off-week. I was expecting to feel pretty good that week, but I was whooped. I had no energy and it got worse as the week went on. Just taking a shower would wear me out, so if I needed to be somewhere at a certain time, I had to allow myself enough time to take rest breaks as I got ready. My household chores were still pretty much getting done, but a little at a time. Something that would normally take me a few hours took longer and those hours were spread out over several days, rather than one day. And some things I just couldn't do without help. It's very humbling. By the time Thursday and Friday came around that week, I barely got out of bed at all. One of my fears has been that I will suffer as this disease progresses. I saw my dad suffer and I don't want to go through that. And I don't want my family to watch me go through it. We have been suffering, not in an unbearable way, but suffering nonetheless. It is extremely hard to face pain and fatigue day after day and not know if it will ever get better. Right now the fatigue is much better because it's been 3 weeks since my last chemo treatment. I still have fatigue, but not like I did. I think maybe it's a good thing to take a little break from the chemo, because I was about ready to either quit altogether or at least move on to another chemo drug. Right now the plan is to resume chemo on 4/10. Cancer is hard. It's disgusting, ugly, mean and nasty and I hate it with every part of my being. I despise it. I truly try to maintain a good attitude, but I would be lying if I didn't share the struggles as well. It's easy to stay positive when I'm feeling fairly good. When the pain, fatigue and sleeplessness all converge at once, it's not so easy. But I try to take it one day at a time and I look for (and find) things to be grateful for every day. In spite of it all, life is good and I am blessed. I need to keep that in mind, even on the bad days. So, that is where we are right now. Thank you for your continued prayers. I tend to be an all-or-nothing kind of person. I think most perfectionists are. I was actually just talking to my friend Kristen about this the other day. My tendency is that if I can't do something 'right' or 'good' or 'all the way', I won't even start. I've learned to fight my perfectionistic tendencies in some areas because I see how damaging and detrimental I am to my own self, but I still struggle a lot.
For most of my adult life, I exercised on and off. I enjoyed it somewhat, and it would become a habit for awhile, but then I would eventually stop for awhile, feel guilty, and then start again. I always felt like it was something I 'should' do. Then, in 2012, I started running and soon after, I joined a gym and met with a personal trainer twice a week. I learned to love running and working out. I planned my days around it and even a vacation or two. I remember one time when I was training for a race, Joe and I were out of town for the weekend for Valentine's day (only 45 minutes from home). He drove me home in the middle of a horrible snow storm so that I could run 12 miles on my treadmill in order to stay on my training schedule and then when I was done, we drove back. Looking back on it, it seems a bit extreme, but I felt that I needed to stay on track because if I missed one of my long runs, that would break my 'perfect' record and it would be harder to get back on track. That was a part of my obsession, but I had also learned for the first time what a stress reliever exercise can be, the running especially. I had begun to look forward to running. I found it to be 'me time'; time to think and pray and clear my mind. I always felt better afterward and that had begun to be my motivator (at least for shorter runs, when I wasn't on a training schedule). My life the past 20 months has resulted in a huge change to my exercise routine. It started with my hysterectomy in June 2016. I got back to exercising as soon as I could after that. In fact, when I told my gynecologist what I had been doing, she laid into me pretty good and I had to hold back the tears in her office. As soon as we were in the parking lot, I started bawling and cried on and off the rest of the day (yes, I'm sensitive, especially when someone tells me I've done something wrong). I still disagree with her assessment that my slow walks were inappropriate, but whatever... I was back into my usual workout routine by that Fall. Then, on November 2, I got the cancer diagnosis and in just over two weeks I was on the operating table again. Chemo started 3 weeks later. I was able to walk/run on the treadmill here and there, and did a little yoga, but most of the time, I just wasn't up for it. By the end of March 2017, chemo was finished and I just had to get through radiation. I had a month break in between and slowly started to get my energy back. We took a family vacation and I remember being able to run 2 miles during that time. I was thrilled! Two years previous to that, in May 2015, I had run the Cleveland Marathon - 26.2 miles. It's amazing what the body can do when you train it and it's amazing what sickness can take away in such a short time. I started making plans for my first post-cancer 1/2 marathon, with my eyes set on the Akron Half in September. That seemed feasible. Daily radiation began at the end of April and boy did it kick my butt. I did not expect it at all. I was extremely tired and the lovely spreadsheet I had created with my running schedule was ignored. Eventually, treatment was completed and I slowly started to feel better. I found it hard to find the balance when it came to working out. I am a planner and a goal-setter. So, I would make workout plans for myself and they didn't take into consideration all I had been through. I was completely wearing myself out. I would try to make 'easier' plans, but my 'all-or-nothing' mentality snuck in and said 'why bother; if you can't do it right, don't do it at all.' And that's where I find myself today. I haven't been doing any form of exercise consistently since December. Now, to be fair to myself, I have had balance issues, nausea, fatigue and pain that makes it difficult, but when I think about the mental benefits of exercise, I feel as though it's time to do what I can. So, today I am going to start to put exercise back on my to-do list. My goal is 10 minutes a day of yoga or walking. I hesitate to even share that, because it seems so lame to me, but it's a start. And as any runner knows, on those days when you really don't feel like running, if you tell yourself, 'Just 1 mile', usually by the time that mile is completed, you're ready to keep going. Maybe that will happen with me and maybe I will be exhausted at 10 minutes. Time will tell. As of today, my left arm is pretty useless, so I will have to make adjustments for it, and I will. I will listen to what my body tells me it needs. Right now, it is telling me that it needs more movement. So, that is what I will give it. Exercise is only one area in my life where perfectionism rears its ugly head. There are so many more. I read a story in a book one time about a woman who was overwhelmed with all that she was responsible for in her life. As she was stressing out about all of this, something got spilled in her refrigerator. So, she took everything off of that shelf and cleaned it. This gave her the revelation that although the entire fridge may not be clean, that shelf now was. I think of that story often. When I'm feeling overwhelmed and have tasks that are time-consuming (and so I don't even want to start), I often set a timer and tell myself that even though I won't be able to finish, I can at least work on it for an hour and that's an hour less than I have to work on it later. My diagnosis has forced me to consider what's really important and what absolutely needs to get done and what I can let go of (or allow someone to do for me). I know there are a lot of people who have perfectionistic tendencies and can relate to me. I'd like to recommend three books that I've read over the past year that have helped me start to put things into perspective. Maybe you will find them helpful too. Cheers! Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist Letting Go of Leo by Simi Botic Body Kindness by Rebecca Scritchfield Yesterday was my 50th birthday. I sat down at my computer a few weeks ago, thinking about my upcoming birthday, and I ended up writing down some things that I think I've learned about myself and about life in general up to this point. Some of it is just info about me and some of it could be considered advice, or at least something to think about. There's no rhyme or reason to the order. This was me brainstorming.
Learn to forgive. 'Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.' -Mark Twain Patience truly is a virtue. Practicing gratitude daily will change your life. If you think you know everything about a topic, that's probably a clue that you should open yourself up to other thoughts and opinions about it. Most people are good. Fear and stress are killers. It's better to be loved than admired. God is good; all-loving, all-knowing. He wants what's best for us, but he allows us to have free will. He is always there to guide us if we ask and if we are open to hearing what He has to say. It takes practice. 'Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore, seek not to understand that thou mayest believe, but believe that thou mayest understand.' - Aurelius Augustinus You can love someone and show them respect, even if you don't agree with them. Worry does no good. I love this excerpt from Jesus Calling. It was life-changing for me. When you bring me your prayer requests, lay out your concerns before me. Speak to me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results. When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank me for the answers that are on the way. If you keep on stating your concerns to me, you will live in a state of tension. When you thank me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind-set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My presence and My promises. Sunshine makes me happy. But so does rain. There is healing power in music. Being a mother was the greatest gift of my life. You can fall in love at 15 and still be in love with the same man at 50. What makes you feel loved is not necessarily what makes others feel loved. Learn your spouse's and children's love languages. Choose your battles. Love your family unconditionally and make sure they know it. Say 'I'm sorry' when you mess up. You never 'arrive' - there is always self-improvement work to be done. I remember thinking that when I turned 30, I would 'have it all together'. Hahahahahaha Hahahahahahaha. You can learn a lot from observing others. I learn from people that I admire, but I have also learned a whole lot from people who I do not enjoy being around. I ask myself, 'What is it about them that I don't like? Do I do that too? If so, I need to stop.' Sometimes it's just that different personalities don't click, but other times, there is a lesson to be learned. 'Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.' -Albert Sweitzer I love being the oldest sibling and the oldest cousin (on my Mom's side). I love being left-handed. I love a challenge - planning for it, setting goals to meet it. I am competitive in many ways, but not necessarily in the ways you may think. I couldn't care less what my job title is or if I have people reporting to me, etc. (as long as I enjoy what I do and feel appreciated, that's what matters). However, I hate to admit this, but when someone compliments someone else's cooking, I get a little twinge of jealousy: 'I could make that. I could probably even make it better.' Good Lord, help me. I'm an indoor girl. I would generally rather be inside that outside. I don't know why I feel guilty about this, but I do. I am an introvert. When I was little, I was described as 'shy'. I wouldn't use that word today, but people still make me uncomfortable. I used to want to sit at the outside end of the church pew because I thought fewer people would see me there. I still get anxious in groups and even at family gatherings. I get revived and rejuvenated when I'm by myself. Sometimes you have to let people make mistakes and deal with the repercussions. This is probably the hardest parenting lesson I've learned, and one that I still struggle with. When you allow people to make their own decisions, you empower them. Life is not fair. The sooner you learn that, the better. When at all possible, refuse to live in dread. Take it one day at a time and make the most of each moment. 'Nothing is either good or bad. It's thinking that makes it so.' - William Shakespeare Not everyone will like you or agree with you all the time. Get over it. 'Do what you feel right in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway.' - Eleanor Roosevelt There are many types of beauty. Consider the rose; the lily; a juicy, ripe peach; a sunset. Don't let others define your beauty. I can do hard things. Doing hard things makes me even stronger. 'From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, I survived.' - iliketoquote.com I know I just shared this prayer recently, but my favorite prayer is the Serenity Prayer. Most people only know the first part, but reading the whole thing is even more meaningful to me. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen. -Reinhold Niebuhr |
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Archives |