I tend to be an all-or-nothing kind of person. I think most perfectionists are. I was actually just talking to my friend Kristen about this the other day. My tendency is that if I can't do something 'right' or 'good' or 'all the way', I won't even start. I've learned to fight my perfectionistic tendencies in some areas because I see how damaging and detrimental I am to my own self, but I still struggle a lot.
For most of my adult life, I exercised on and off. I enjoyed it somewhat, and it would become a habit for awhile, but then I would eventually stop for awhile, feel guilty, and then start again. I always felt like it was something I 'should' do. Then, in 2012, I started running and soon after, I joined a gym and met with a personal trainer twice a week. I learned to love running and working out. I planned my days around it and even a vacation or two. I remember one time when I was training for a race, Joe and I were out of town for the weekend for Valentine's day (only 45 minutes from home). He drove me home in the middle of a horrible snow storm so that I could run 12 miles on my treadmill in order to stay on my training schedule and then when I was done, we drove back. Looking back on it, it seems a bit extreme, but I felt that I needed to stay on track because if I missed one of my long runs, that would break my 'perfect' record and it would be harder to get back on track. That was a part of my obsession, but I had also learned for the first time what a stress reliever exercise can be, the running especially. I had begun to look forward to running. I found it to be 'me time'; time to think and pray and clear my mind. I always felt better afterward and that had begun to be my motivator (at least for shorter runs, when I wasn't on a training schedule). My life the past 20 months has resulted in a huge change to my exercise routine. It started with my hysterectomy in June 2016. I got back to exercising as soon as I could after that. In fact, when I told my gynecologist what I had been doing, she laid into me pretty good and I had to hold back the tears in her office. As soon as we were in the parking lot, I started bawling and cried on and off the rest of the day (yes, I'm sensitive, especially when someone tells me I've done something wrong). I still disagree with her assessment that my slow walks were inappropriate, but whatever... I was back into my usual workout routine by that Fall. Then, on November 2, I got the cancer diagnosis and in just over two weeks I was on the operating table again. Chemo started 3 weeks later. I was able to walk/run on the treadmill here and there, and did a little yoga, but most of the time, I just wasn't up for it. By the end of March 2017, chemo was finished and I just had to get through radiation. I had a month break in between and slowly started to get my energy back. We took a family vacation and I remember being able to run 2 miles during that time. I was thrilled! Two years previous to that, in May 2015, I had run the Cleveland Marathon - 26.2 miles. It's amazing what the body can do when you train it and it's amazing what sickness can take away in such a short time. I started making plans for my first post-cancer 1/2 marathon, with my eyes set on the Akron Half in September. That seemed feasible. Daily radiation began at the end of April and boy did it kick my butt. I did not expect it at all. I was extremely tired and the lovely spreadsheet I had created with my running schedule was ignored. Eventually, treatment was completed and I slowly started to feel better. I found it hard to find the balance when it came to working out. I am a planner and a goal-setter. So, I would make workout plans for myself and they didn't take into consideration all I had been through. I was completely wearing myself out. I would try to make 'easier' plans, but my 'all-or-nothing' mentality snuck in and said 'why bother; if you can't do it right, don't do it at all.' And that's where I find myself today. I haven't been doing any form of exercise consistently since December. Now, to be fair to myself, I have had balance issues, nausea, fatigue and pain that makes it difficult, but when I think about the mental benefits of exercise, I feel as though it's time to do what I can. So, today I am going to start to put exercise back on my to-do list. My goal is 10 minutes a day of yoga or walking. I hesitate to even share that, because it seems so lame to me, but it's a start. And as any runner knows, on those days when you really don't feel like running, if you tell yourself, 'Just 1 mile', usually by the time that mile is completed, you're ready to keep going. Maybe that will happen with me and maybe I will be exhausted at 10 minutes. Time will tell. As of today, my left arm is pretty useless, so I will have to make adjustments for it, and I will. I will listen to what my body tells me it needs. Right now, it is telling me that it needs more movement. So, that is what I will give it. Exercise is only one area in my life where perfectionism rears its ugly head. There are so many more. I read a story in a book one time about a woman who was overwhelmed with all that she was responsible for in her life. As she was stressing out about all of this, something got spilled in her refrigerator. So, she took everything off of that shelf and cleaned it. This gave her the revelation that although the entire fridge may not be clean, that shelf now was. I think of that story often. When I'm feeling overwhelmed and have tasks that are time-consuming (and so I don't even want to start), I often set a timer and tell myself that even though I won't be able to finish, I can at least work on it for an hour and that's an hour less than I have to work on it later. My diagnosis has forced me to consider what's really important and what absolutely needs to get done and what I can let go of (or allow someone to do for me). I know there are a lot of people who have perfectionistic tendencies and can relate to me. I'd like to recommend three books that I've read over the past year that have helped me start to put things into perspective. Maybe you will find them helpful too. Cheers! Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist Letting Go of Leo by Simi Botic Body Kindness by Rebecca Scritchfield
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Yesterday was my 50th birthday. I sat down at my computer a few weeks ago, thinking about my upcoming birthday, and I ended up writing down some things that I think I've learned about myself and about life in general up to this point. Some of it is just info about me and some of it could be considered advice, or at least something to think about. There's no rhyme or reason to the order. This was me brainstorming.
Learn to forgive. 'Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.' -Mark Twain Patience truly is a virtue. Practicing gratitude daily will change your life. If you think you know everything about a topic, that's probably a clue that you should open yourself up to other thoughts and opinions about it. Most people are good. Fear and stress are killers. It's better to be loved than admired. God is good; all-loving, all-knowing. He wants what's best for us, but he allows us to have free will. He is always there to guide us if we ask and if we are open to hearing what He has to say. It takes practice. 'Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore, seek not to understand that thou mayest believe, but believe that thou mayest understand.' - Aurelius Augustinus You can love someone and show them respect, even if you don't agree with them. Worry does no good. I love this excerpt from Jesus Calling. It was life-changing for me. When you bring me your prayer requests, lay out your concerns before me. Speak to me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results. When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank me for the answers that are on the way. If you keep on stating your concerns to me, you will live in a state of tension. When you thank me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind-set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My presence and My promises. Sunshine makes me happy. But so does rain. There is healing power in music. Being a mother was the greatest gift of my life. You can fall in love at 15 and still be in love with the same man at 50. What makes you feel loved is not necessarily what makes others feel loved. Learn your spouse's and children's love languages. Choose your battles. Love your family unconditionally and make sure they know it. Say 'I'm sorry' when you mess up. You never 'arrive' - there is always self-improvement work to be done. I remember thinking that when I turned 30, I would 'have it all together'. Hahahahahaha Hahahahahahaha. You can learn a lot from observing others. I learn from people that I admire, but I have also learned a whole lot from people who I do not enjoy being around. I ask myself, 'What is it about them that I don't like? Do I do that too? If so, I need to stop.' Sometimes it's just that different personalities don't click, but other times, there is a lesson to be learned. 'Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.' -Albert Sweitzer I love being the oldest sibling and the oldest cousin (on my Mom's side). I love being left-handed. I love a challenge - planning for it, setting goals to meet it. I am competitive in many ways, but not necessarily in the ways you may think. I couldn't care less what my job title is or if I have people reporting to me, etc. (as long as I enjoy what I do and feel appreciated, that's what matters). However, I hate to admit this, but when someone compliments someone else's cooking, I get a little twinge of jealousy: 'I could make that. I could probably even make it better.' Good Lord, help me. I'm an indoor girl. I would generally rather be inside that outside. I don't know why I feel guilty about this, but I do. I am an introvert. When I was little, I was described as 'shy'. I wouldn't use that word today, but people still make me uncomfortable. I used to want to sit at the outside end of the church pew because I thought fewer people would see me there. I still get anxious in groups and even at family gatherings. I get revived and rejuvenated when I'm by myself. Sometimes you have to let people make mistakes and deal with the repercussions. This is probably the hardest parenting lesson I've learned, and one that I still struggle with. When you allow people to make their own decisions, you empower them. Life is not fair. The sooner you learn that, the better. When at all possible, refuse to live in dread. Take it one day at a time and make the most of each moment. 'Nothing is either good or bad. It's thinking that makes it so.' - William Shakespeare Not everyone will like you or agree with you all the time. Get over it. 'Do what you feel right in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway.' - Eleanor Roosevelt There are many types of beauty. Consider the rose; the lily; a juicy, ripe peach; a sunset. Don't let others define your beauty. I can do hard things. Doing hard things makes me even stronger. 'From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, I survived.' - iliketoquote.com I know I just shared this prayer recently, but my favorite prayer is the Serenity Prayer. Most people only know the first part, but reading the whole thing is even more meaningful to me. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen. -Reinhold Niebuhr Thursday 2/1
I had scans this afternoon. Chest, abdomen and pelvis. It's time to see if the chemo is working. We are actually checking a few weeks earlier than planned, because there are signs that the cancer is advancing. They had to stick me 4 times before they found a vein that would work for the contrast. My poor right arm. It’s so bruised and beaten and the veins just don't seem to be viable anymore. I don't have a port anymore, so they have to use my arm. Since I had lymph nodes removed under my left arm, we have always used the right arm for access due to the risk of lymphedema in the left. But today, we finally had to give up and use my left arm, after 3 different people tried 3 different locations in my right arm. The woman performing the CT scans was so sweet. She felt so bad for me; even gave me a hug afterward. My healthcare team is the best. And so now we wait for results. I should hear tomorrow. I'm feeling fear, anxiety, anger. I have a headache and I can't focus. What do I do to pass the time? I don't want to watch TV or read. Nothing keeps me from thinking about what the scans will show. So I bake. I bake monkey bread, which I've never made before, but it sounds good. We can have it for breakfast. What's next if we find that the chemo isn't working? What will the next chemo drugs do to me? How will they make me feel? Will I lose my hair (luckily, I have not lost my hair from my current chemo regimen, which was a pleasant surprise). If the first choice in chemo didn't work, what are the chances that the next best option will work? I guess everyone is different and maybe it's not as black and white as I am imagining. I'm planning to work from home tomorrow. How am I supposed to work with these unanswered questions haunting me? I'll probably get a call in the morning with the results. I feel like no one gets it. How could they, unless they've gone through it? I really do feel emotionally ok most of the time, but these last few days have been different. I knew the tests were coming, but I thought they would be in a few weeks. I'm not being negative when I say this, but I know in my heart what the results will be: the chemo isn't working and the cancer is advancing. God and I are pretty tight; he speaks to me in various ways and I'm also very in tune with my body. There's just this knowing in my soul that things aren't going as we had hoped. How do I tell my family? How do I tell my co-workers? If the chemo isn't working and we have to change my treatments, I don't want to go back to work. I can't. I need to focus on me and my family. I hope my team will understand. They will. Wednesday 2/7 I did get a call from my oncologist last Friday morning. I'm so thankful for him. He is a wonderful doctor and he does his best to get me answers quickly and he shares them in a very compassionate way. The cancer is growing and spreading, despite the chemo combo I've been on. So, we will start a different chemo drug in a few weeks. He is also inquiring about the use of an immunotherapy drug for me. He's not sure yet if I am a candidate or not. I'm not sure what else to say about all of this. We are deeply disappointed and saddened. But we will continue to be hopeful and grateful for this blessed life and to take it one day at a time. Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen. -Reinhold Niebuhr |
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Archives |